When the Tooth Fairy Falls Down on the Job

Our Tooth Fairy stinks. I’ll just throw that out there, she forgets to pick up teeth constantly. She is sloppy, unreliable and just plain lazy. All of my boys know that she is the biggest joke of all the fairies and they tell me so—frequently.

Here is an actual transcript from a Tooth Fairy conversation that happened at our house about a month ago.

Mercer (age 7): [holding up tooth in plastic bag] Mom, the Tooth Fairy didn’t come again…she is worthless.

Me: (you don’t need to know my age) Aww Moose I am sorry, do you want me to call her? I have her phone number? I could yell at her for forgetting your tooth again.

Mercer: You have her phone number?

Me: Yeah, they give you a list of those phone numbers when you have babies—The Tooth Fairy, Santa, the Easter Bunny. Want me to call her? I bet she won’t ever forget again.

Mercer: Can I listen to you yell at her?

Me: Sure, hang on let me call her …. [Dialing phone….actually calling my mom] Hello?

My Mom/Nana: Hello…

Me: What do you think this is, how could you forget a 7-year old's tooth, he’s been waiting for three nights for you to come and take it and you’re too lazy to fly to Billings and grab it? You should be ashamed of yourself. Now, I want one good reason why I shouldn’t call your boss and have you fired?

My Mom/Nana: What? Ummmmmm.

Me: Really? That’s your excuse? My son has been waiting patiently; I don’t get to wait three days to go to my job. I am giving you one last chance, his tooth better be gone tonight or I am calling your boss, do you understand?

My Mom/Nana: Ummmmm, yes.

Me: Good. Now you shape up. Goodbye.

My Mom/Nana: Ummmmm, bye.

Mercer: Wow, mom you were mean. I bet she never messes up again. I would be so afraid of you.

Me: Well, nobody messes with my son and his teeth.

For the record, as soon as I sent my boys off to school, I called my mom back and thanked her for playing along, she was still confused. Thankfully she just rolls with most everything, knowing that more often than not I am parenting by the skin of my teeth and not usually too sure what I am doing. Truly, my thoughts are why in the world do they teach Lamaze - the really important stuff— like the Tooth Fairy is the stuff they should be teaching parents…who really needs to know how to breathe anyway!

Saturday, February 28, 2015 is National Tooth Fairy Day. Share your Tooth Fairy tales (good, bad, or forgetful) in the comments below!