Leaving the Nest

Navigating Your Child’s College Path with Confidence

by Kelly Petit

Who is this child who has inhabited my house?  Suddenly he has lost interest in everything: turning papers in late, procrastinating by not getting important paperwork filled out for college, and shirking his chores.   Don’t get me started on his facial expressions!  Condescending smirks and blank stares seem to be the only two facial expressions that he is capable of making lately.  If you are living with a teenager bound for college, you know what I mean.  Experts tell us “senioritis” is a very real phenomenon and can test parents beyond anything they’ve ever imagined!   “Senioritis” is a trying time for not only your college-bound teenager but for parents as well.  As you prepare your son or daughter to leave for college, I hope to offer some advice in helping YOU prepare as well.  As a mother of one graduate, and one twelve year old who is already in the early post-graduate plan making arena, I offer some counsel. First of all, it’s important to remember that engaging in the transition to college from home life can’t happen smoothly without emotional preparation.  Confidence comes with this kind of preparation and the odds of being successful can be increased if you have prepared emotionally.   Imparting life skills to enable our children to handle new life experiences is invaluable and results in assurance and a sense of balance when the stressors hit; and they will hit.  Our children need coping strategies to deal with stress, depression and anxiety.   Role playing social and academic assertiveness is an example of preparation.  Telling a roommate to turn the TV off at a certain time or making sure needs are met by teachers and administrators are situations that can be practiced before reality hits.  Role playing may sound silly to some but using the technique can often make the difference between a child dropping out of school or staying in school and managing the issue appropriately.   Other college-bound basics to be considered include: <!---->Discuss finances with your child now.  Your child is used to food in the fridge, heat and cooling at his disposal for his comfort.  Chances are your child has never given much thought to financial considerations of every day comforts.  Discuss what your child will and will not be responsible for at school.  Clear and up-front discussions will prevent him from resenting you or feeling abandoned.<!---->Avoid credit cards if you can..  If this isn’t possible, help your child find a card with a low credit limit.  Teach him the importance of paying off the balance of what was charged on the card each month.  <!---->Send your child to college with a copy of his health insurance card.  Include directions for using the card as well.  Most health insurance policies require that students be full-time, meaning taking a classes equating to at least 12 credits.<!---->Make sure your child is up-to-date on all immunizations.  Health experts now recommend that all students get the Hepatitis B vaccine as well as the Meningococcal (Meningitis) vaccine prior to entering college.  <!---->Being sick for the first time when Mom or Dad isn’t available to comfort can be scary.  Remind your child to get a flu shot in October/November and to take precautions against illness by “covering his cough”.  <!---->Talk about sex.  Most likely you’ve had this conversation in varying degrees and ways over the years, but many college students think being away from home for the first time is an opportunity to let loose without the watchful eyes of parents.  Be open in talking about sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV/AIDS, pregnancy and birth control. HPV is a common viral infection, transmitted through sexual activity, and it affects 80% of our youth.  Consider vaccinating your daughter against the virus before she goes to college and while she is still on your health insurance plan.<!---->Good Driver GPA helps with auto insurance expenses. Remember to send official transcripts each year to your insurance company to get a good rate.  <!---->Students who choose to live on campus often do not need a car.  Encouraging the use of a city bus system or car pooling is a good idea, especially with the high cost of fuel.<!---->Books and supplies are very expensive.  Encourage your student to seek the best price for items needed such as on-line book stores and big-box stores instead of just buying at the most convenient (often, more expensive) place. <!---->Know your child’s address and dorm room telephone number.  In emergencies it’s a good idea to know your child’s roommate telephone numbers as well as getting to know more about him.<!---->Cell phone family plans make it easy to keep in touch with your child.  A weekly phone call from Mom and Dad provides a good level of contact.<!---->Sending your child mail or packages occasionally is a good way to let your child know your support and love him.<!---->Know your child’s class schedule.  Knowing what he faces day-to-day in terms of classes and credits will give you a better idea of his stress level and how you may be able to help him cope.<!---->Keep communication proactive.  Ask you child how they are feeling.  They may want to feel ecstatic to leave home but instead are feeling terrified.  It’s a confusing transition so let them emote!<!---->Let your teen take the reigns.  Although you may want to take control and dictate how everything should go - what comforter to buy, how the dorm room should be decorated, what classes they should take, etc. - step back and allow your child to take control.  Students need to make their own decisions sooner rather than later.<!---->Be a helicopter parent rather than a missile parent.  Be patient, give advice.  Don’t make calls to their professors, roommates etc. for them. Don’t give them the answers.  Give them the tools.  Empower your children!<!---->Know that about 6 weeks into the semester your child will be homesick.  The reality sets in that college is not summer camp and life can be hard sometimes.  Listen rather than sending a plane ticket to come home.  Know that what your child is experiencing is a phase and everything will be back to normal soon. Finally, the day will arrive when it’s time to say goodbye.  Your own reactions and emotions may come as a surprise given all those months you’ve had to prepare.   Some parents worry about expressing any sadness or reticence to let their child go in fear of overburdening their child.  It’s okay to show these emotions.  In fact your child needs to know that you’ll miss him and that you’re excited about his new adventure. Children need to be reminded of strong home ties as it helps them deal with their feelings.   You should be proud.  Your child has reached the age where he no longer needs you each and everyday to take care of every little thing.  Congratulations!  You did it!  You’ve successfully launched your child into the beginning phase of adulthood! Kelly Petit has a masters in social work and has been with RiverStone Health for six years. Kelly’s 20 year-old daughter, Clare and her 12 year-old son, Dylan keep her quite busy!  When she’s not tending to family and work matters, Kelly enjoys acting in community theater, attending concerts and going to art walks.   Who is this child who has inhabited my house?  Suddenly he has lost interest in everything: turning papers in late, procrastinating by not getting important paperwork filled out for college, and shirking his chores.   Don’t get me started on his facial expressions!  Condescending smirks and blank stares seem to be the only two facial expressions that he is capable of making lately.  If you are living with a teenager bound for college, you know what I mean.  Experts tell us “senioritis” is a very real phenomenon and can test parents beyond anything they’ve ever imagined!   “Senioritis” is a trying time for not only your college-bound teenager but for parents as well.  As you prepare your son or daughter to leave for college, I hope to offer some advice in helping YOU prepare as well.  As a mother of one graduate, and one twelve year old who is already in the early post-graduate plan making arena, I offer some counsel. First of all, it’s important to remember that engaging in the transition to college from home life can’t happen smoothly without emotional preparation.  Confidence comes with this kind of preparation and the odds of being successful can be increased if you have prepared emotionally.   Imparting life skills to enable our children to handle new life experiences is invaluable and results in assurance and a sense of balance when the stressors hit; and they will hit.  Our children need coping strategies to deal with stress, depression and anxiety.   Role playing social and academic assertiveness is an example of preparation.  Telling a roommate to turn the TV off at a certain time or making sure needs are met by teachers and administrators are situations that can be practiced before reality hits.  Role playing may sound silly to some but using the technique can often make the difference between a child dropping out of school or staying in school and managing the issue appropriately.   Other college-bound basics to be considered include: <!---->Discuss finances with your child now.  Your child is used to food in the fridge, heat and cooling at his disposal for his comfort.  Chances are your child has never given much thought to financial considerations of every day comforts.  Discuss what your child will and will not be responsible for at school.  Clear and up-front discussions will prevent him from resenting you or feeling abandoned.<!---->Avoid credit cards if you can..  If this isn’t possible, help your child find a card with a low credit limit.  Teach him the importance of paying off the balance of what was charged on the card each month.  <!---->Send your child to college with a copy of his health insurance card.  Include directions for using the card as well.  Most health insurance policies require that students be full-time, meaning taking a classes equating to at least 12 credits.<!---->Make sure your child is up-to-date on all immunizations.  Health experts now recommend that all students get the Hepatitis B vaccine as well as the Meningococcal (Meningitis) vaccine prior to entering college.  <!---->Being sick for the first time when Mom or Dad isn’t available to comfort can be scary.  Remind your child to get a flu shot in October/November and to take precautions against illness by “covering his cough”.  <!---->Talk about sex.  Most likely you’ve had this conversation in varying degrees and ways over the years, but many college students think being away from home for the first time is an opportunity to let loose without the watchful eyes of parents.  Be open in talking about sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV/AIDS, pregnancy and birth control. HPV is a common viral infection, transmitted through sexual activity, and it affects 80% of our youth.  Consider vaccinating your daughter against the virus before she goes to college and while she is still on your health insurance plan.<!---->Good Driver GPA helps with auto insurance expenses. Remember to send official transcripts each year to your insurance company to get a good rate.  <!---->Students who choose to live on campus often do not need a car.  Encouraging the use of a city bus system or car pooling is a good idea, especially with the high cost of fuel.<!---->Books and supplies are very expensive.  Encourage your student to seek the best price for items needed such as on-line book stores and big-box stores instead of just buying at the most convenient (often, more expensive) place. <!---->Know your child’s address and dorm room telephone number.  In emergencies it’s a good idea to know your child’s roommate telephone numbers as well as getting to know more about him.<!---->Cell phone family plans make it easy to keep in touch with your child.  A weekly phone call from Mom and Dad provides a good level of contact.<!---->Sending your child mail or packages occasionally is a good way to let your child know your support and love him.<!---->Know your child’s class schedule.  Knowing what he faces day-to-day in terms of classes and credits will give you a better idea of his stress level and how you may be able to help him cope.<!---->Keep communication proactive.  Ask you child how they are feeling.  They may want to feel ecstatic to leave home but instead are feeling terrified.  It’s a confusing transition so let them emote!<!---->Let your teen take the reigns.  Although you may want to take control and dictate how everything should go - what comforter to buy, how the dorm room should be decorated, what classes they should take, etc. - step back and allow your child to take control.  Students need to make their own decisions sooner rather than later.<!---->Be a helicopter parent rather than a missile parent.  Be patient, give advice.  Don’t make calls to their professors, roommates etc. for them. Don’t give them the answers.  Give them the tools.  Empower your children!<!---->Know that about 6 weeks into the semester your child will be homesick.  The reality sets in that college is not summer camp and life can be hard sometimes.  Listen rather than sending a plane ticket to come home.  Know that what your child is experiencing is a phase and everything will be back to normal soon. Finally, the day will arrive when it’s time to say goodbye.  Your own reactions and emotions may come as a surprise given all those months you’ve had to prepare.   Some parents worry about expressing any sadness or reticence to let their child go in fear of overburdening their child.  It’s okay to show these emotions.  In fact your child needs to know that you’ll miss him and that you’re excited about his new adventure. Children need to be reminded of strong home ties as it helps them deal with their feelings.   You should be proud.  Your child has reached the age where he no longer needs you each and everyday to take care of every little thing.  Congratulations!  You did it!  You’ve successfully launched your child into the beginning phase of adulthood! Kelly Petit has a masters in social work and has been with RiverStone Health for six years. Kelly’s 20 year-old daughter, Clare and her 12 year-old son, Dylan keep her quite busy!  When she’s not tending to family and work matters, Kelly enjoys acting in community theater, attending concerts and going to art walks.